Weirding me out..
Have you ever walked down the street and had a moment of total wig-you-out strangeness? An experience that makes you stop in your tracks and wonder about fate, existence, and whether the big guy upstairs' transmission system is slightly garbled?

The other day I was struggling to maintain the last leg of a jog with manly forbearance when such an event struck. I had spotted this strange woman in a large white bicycle helmet from down the road. She was idly tooling around the street like some kid testing out a bike which I thought a bit odd. As she passed I picked up the signal of an incoming transmission. I unplugged my earphones and engaged a polite smile expecting some inane comment about jogging in the goddamn cold (I had already lamented this decision).

Instead I received a rather rude comment from said person. Apparently I'm a @$$%@. It wasn't profane, more along the lines of a grammar school taunt, but I prefer to keep the details to myself and away from smirky friends. I can only assume this lady, who looked to be in her thirties, was either (a)handicapped or (b)a freaking loon. Very odd and out of the ordinary.

Made me wonder if I wasn't indeed a $#$@ and someone upstairs was just trying to politely remind me of the fact. Perhaps 25 years of toddling around with the vague impression that I was an alright guy when I was in fact a @#$*# had people in charge a tad embarrassed. Maybe my lack of progress from the starting point of a @$@$@ has merited a kick in the pants?


What if I had a guardian angel whose boss after a quarter century let him know in no uncertain terms that some progress would after all be expected. I pictured this rather wretched bureaucrat sitting in his heavenly cube (I like to think his back isn't facing the entrance) after everyone's left for the night. He's wringing his hands, trying to come up with ways to turns things around, to save his ecclesiastical bacon. He wonders what he could've done, where it went wrong etc.

"If I don't get this one" he reckons, "I'll be looking after three-legged poodles next. They rarely have good music collections."

Thoughts along these lines only bring him/her to the conclusion that swift action is indeed merited. But how? What does one do if the earth-bound party isn't living up to their spiritual end of the deal?...

We'll send him a nasty reminder shall we? Something short and sweet. But what? It makes me chuckle to think of some metaphysical watchkeeper racking his brain for an appropriate comment. It would have to walk a fine line really. I mean I can't really imagine an angel calling me a shit-eater for example or a right bastard. Besides, in this age who hasn't heard that a million times?

Right?

No, it would have to be a comment that would jar said spiritual slacker to their very core. Something that would have them wondering to themselves in their spare moments...


Am I a @$@$?...